Surrender is Like a Tug-of-War (Written: March 29, 2007)

Is it possible to let go, but still hold on? It's not. You cannot fully let go of something, but still be holding on to it. It's impossible.

I cannot let go. Not completely, anyways, and just that bit that I decide to hold on is enough. I don't know why it's so hard though. I mean, I can let go of other things. There have been some problems between me and a girl at school, but I've let go of anything I had against her. I've forgiven a lot of people, even those who haven't apologized, or never will. Why can't I let go of all my past, all my fears, all my hopes, all my dreams as easily?

Because it's not just the good I have trouble giving up. It's the bad too. Especially the bad. It seems like whenever I'm afraid, I try to put on a tough front with God, as stupid as that is seeing that He sees right through it. Last Sunday, when I was praying at Velocity Reborn, I actually told God that "I'll be fine. I can handle this." By then I was already too weak. I couldn't handle it, without Him at least. I just don't understand why I can't let go of both the good and bad.

I want to start a new life, but if I let go of the past completely...my past makes me who I am. Could that be the problem? I feel like I'm in a game of Tug-of-War. I want to surrender, and I know that my life will change for the better, but I'm held back by fear. I know there is nothing to be afraid of though. I want to change, and I can't do that without letting go. I don't want to let go, but I don't want to live in the past.

There has never been such an intense game of Tug-of-War. I fear that the rope will break, and that will be the end of the Tug-of-War. I don't know what side I'm afraid will come out as the winner. Because I know that there will be no ties in this game. If I leave and give up, it is the side that holds on that will win. I don't know if I can let that happen.