Just so I can get the confession out of the way, yes I should be cleaning right now.
Last week I was in St. Louis with a few people from my youth group and some people from other youth groups in the country. I'm realizing how much this trip impacted me more and more each day.
One night at Club (basically our little worship time/message) we were given small stones. They were supposed to represent something that was weighing us down...something that was holding us back. We were instructed to drop our little rocks into a box when we determined what our individual stones represented...kind of a way of symbolically letting go of what was weighing us down.
I still have my stone. Not the symbolic one (although I suppose I do have that one as well). I'm talking about the small smooth black rock.
I usually don't participate in those kind of activities because in all honesty, I don't want to be caught up in an emotional moment and make a decision at things like that...only to go home and not follow through with the decision after the spiritual high is over. I wait and make sure it's a genuine decision and not something influenced by emotions or impulse.
And to be honest, I couldn't really determine what was holding me back the most. I mean, I definitely spend a lot of time online or texting, but I also knew that there was something bigger than that.
I'm starting to realize that it's fear.
When I was in middle school...sixth and seventh grades...I loved to sing. Now, I was usually too afraid to sing around people most of the time, but even then I would sing on stage at music camps, in choirs, and even at a school talent show in sixth grade. I wrote in my prayer journal about how much I loved to sing.
Most people I know haven't heard me sing, and of the few that have heard me sing they haven't heard me really sing. Sure I'll goof off in fake accents or something, but as far as really just opening up and just singing from my heart without any fear... singing at a point where I am really just praying and worshiping God... I didn't even do that alone for years.
A few people have witnessed that singing. On Thursday night, I sat on the floor trying to make sense of everything, and I just closed my eyes and started singing a song I wrote. At that moment it was just me and God, and when I realized that more people were gathering around I didn't care anymore. For that moment my fear was gone.
But come Friday, I couldn't even bring myself to sing along with the radio.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. I'm planning on majoring in Early Childhood Education, but to be honest I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I have some dreams I would love to pursue. Yes, I want to work with kids, but I'm not sure if I want to do that as a career because it's a practical decision, or if it's because it's something I really want to do.
I would love to work as a youth leader (not necessarily a youth pastor). I want to open up a Christian coffee house geared towards teens/college students on most days (though it would be a great place for families to go as well.) I have so many dreams for this coffee house...including raising funds for various causes, etc. I still sometimes wonder if I gave up on writing too easily... and I don't think I ever fully gave up on singing (even though I tried to convince myself I did).
And I think I've always wanted to adopt. Where I want to adopt from seems to change from day-to-day (lately I've been wanting to adopt those who have basically seem to have no hope of ever being adopted).
I think one of the hardest things is realizing what these dreams may cost me. Yes, obviously adoption and running a coffee house will cost me financially, but some of these dreams may cost me so much more. If I start singing again, I'll have to face my fear of people. I'll have to step way out of my comfort zone.
And I've been told of a potential opportunity I may have to serve somewhere. This is a wonderful opportunity, and part of me thinks I should take the steps to pursue it and take the position. After all, it would give me a chance to really pursue a dream of mine, but I'm not sure if I'm willing to pay the price. I would have to give up something that means a lot to me. I'd have to leave behind seeing certain people. I'd have to risk feeling torn apart again.
And to be honest, I'm afraid. I'm absolutely terrified of what the future holds. Do I take the safe route? Do I take some risks and pursue some dreams...even if they may cost me? Am I being called to give up something I love to serve somewhere else?
I know the answer to all of those questions. I need to trust that God will show me what He wants me to do... and if He's calling me to take the risks or surrender things to Him, then He will help me through it.
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