Stepping Out of the Boat

I knew something was up at Rechurch on Saturday before the sermon even started.

They started off with "With Me," followed by "Salvation is Here." This grasped my attention almost instantly. Then, when they closed worship with "Here in Your Presence," I practically burst into a fit of laughter.

All three of those songs were played at First Assembly at a time where I realized that I didn't need to be afraid. The most recent one was "With Me" at Compel a few weeks ago...when I realized that the idea of singing with the worship team didn't seem too terrible. A few years before, at another Compel concert, they sang "Here in Your Presence." That was the first time at the church that I didn't feel uncomfortable or afraid.

I decided to send my friend Vania a quick text message about the songs, asking if she thinks God's trying to get through my thick skull.

Most people would shrug and answer with an "I guess" or "I dunno."

Vania, however, responded with an instant "YES."

Anybody (which is probably nobody) who has been reading my blog should have noticed that my last two entries talked about fear, taking chances, and dreaming.

I tend to move slowly....verrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy slowly.

So slowly, in fact, that on Sunday morning as Pastor Matt is talking about Peter climbing out of the boat and hanging off the edge of it...and Vania is echoing Pastor Matt in my ear... I basically start to pray I disappear.

I don't jump. Heck, when it comes to pools I take the actual steps instead of the ladder (and if I can walk into the water on an incline or something I'll go for that.)

So the idea of having to jump and take that risk...the idea of not being able to slowly step into something terrifies me. I like to test the waters a little. I take a tiny step, get very comfortable there, and then I take another step.

And, I think... no... I know that needs to change.

Whenever we think about Peter walking on water, let's face it, we don't tend to focus on the fact that Peter walked on water, but the fact that he started to sink. We stay in the boat...we stay where it's safe because we'd rather be boring than risk sinking.

But what about what happened when he did start to sink? Jesus reached out immediately to save him. He didn't let Peter sink down to the bottom because he failed.

And if I take that step out of the boat, I don't need to be afraid that I'll sink because God will be there to save me.

It's just a matter of taking that next step and trusting that God won't let me sink to the bottom.

"God above all the world in motion

God above all my hopes and fears

I don't care what the world throws at me now

It's gonna be alright

'Cause I know my God saved the day

And I know His word never fails

And I know my God made a way for me

Salvation is here"

Hiding Behind the Mask (Written July 16, 2008)

It’s not easy being real. Sometimes, it’s just plain hard not to put on a phony smile and act like everything is good when the truth is you are completely broken.

I know.

I have not been real. I think that every day I hide part of who I am. A friend makes a joke about something that hits me hard, and I force a laugh so he doesn’t know. I’ll even joke around myself so that I can try to fool the world into thinking that I’m alright. It’s not just the laughing at jokes that I don’t think are funny. I’ve gone beyond that. I’m so afraid of revealing myself that I’ve completely lied. I’ve said “no” to a joking comment when the real answer was “yes.”

I’m not sure how much of this I can take. These fake smiles, and saying that I’m okay when I’m completely shattered inside. The show that I’m loving church and youth group when God is the furthest thing from my mind. Giving up on something I love, and pretending to hate it because I’m afraid of being hurt. It’s not easy putting on a show.

And I shouldn’t have to do it. I shouldn’t have to cover up who I am. I’m not the person some people think I am. If you just took one look inside my mind, you would know that I live a double life.

Unfortunately, sometimes I get too good at this act. There are times where I don’t even know who I really am. I don’t know what I am feeling. It’s weird to say this, but it’s true. I hide parts of myself from the rest of the world, and eventually I even cover them up from myself.

I also try to hide it from God. It’s stupid…I know. Why would I even think I can do something like that? I can’t hide who I am from God. He sees right through the mask I put on for everybody-whether it’s friends, family, or even myself. Still, I stop pouring out my heart, and I close it up. I try not to let my thoughts and feelings leak out-even at the cost of neglecting what I have claimed to be most important to me: my relationship with Christ.

I can’t do it anymore. The lies, the hiding who I really am. It’s tearing me apart-making me feel broken and numb inside. This mask I put on costs more than some of you know.

I’m not saying I’m going to reveal my deepest thoughts and secrets to the world. I’m not going to be somebody who opens up to everybody who comes near. At least, not now-and maybe not ever. I am only saying that I need to stop playing games with myself. I need to change, and be myself. I have considered things it may cost, but I also know that it will cost more to live this double life.

Foolish heart looks like we’re here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don’t let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I’m empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I’m tired of the song and dance
Living a Charade, always on parade
What a mess I’ve made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You’re turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am

Wonderful, Beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

-Natalie Grant

Love,

Lissa Kristine

Holding onto my Rocks

Just so I can get the confession out of the way, yes I should be cleaning right now.

Last week I was in St. Louis with a few people from my youth group and some people from other youth groups in the country. I'm realizing how much this trip impacted me more and more each day.

One night at Club (basically our little worship time/message) we were given small stones. They were supposed to represent something that was weighing us down...something that was holding us back. We were instructed to drop our little rocks into a box when we determined what our individual stones represented...kind of a way of symbolically letting go of what was weighing us down.

I still have my stone. Not the symbolic one (although I suppose I do have that one as well). I'm talking about the small smooth black rock.

I usually don't participate in those kind of activities because in all honesty, I don't want to be caught up in an emotional moment and make a decision at things like that...only to go home and not follow through with the decision after the spiritual high is over. I wait and make sure it's a genuine decision and not something influenced by emotions or impulse.

And to be honest, I couldn't really determine what was holding me back the most. I mean, I definitely spend a lot of time online or texting, but I also knew that there was something bigger than that.

I'm starting to realize that it's fear.

When I was in middle school...sixth and seventh grades...I loved to sing. Now, I was usually too afraid to sing around people most of the time, but even then I would sing on stage at music camps, in choirs, and even at a school talent show in sixth grade. I wrote in my prayer journal about how much I loved to sing.

Most people I know haven't heard me sing, and of the few that have heard me sing they haven't heard me really sing. Sure I'll goof off in fake accents or something, but as far as really just opening up and just singing from my heart without any fear... singing at a point where I am really just praying and worshiping God... I didn't even do that alone for years.

A few people have witnessed that singing. On Thursday night, I sat on the floor trying to make sense of everything, and I just closed my eyes and started singing a song I wrote. At that moment it was just me and God, and when I realized that more people were gathering around I didn't care anymore. For that moment my fear was gone.

But come Friday, I couldn't even bring myself to sing along with the radio.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. I'm planning on majoring in Early Childhood Education, but to be honest I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I have some dreams I would love to pursue. Yes, I want to work with kids, but I'm not sure if I want to do that as a career because it's a practical decision, or if it's because it's something I really want to do.

I would love to work as a youth leader (not necessarily a youth pastor). I want to open up a Christian coffee house geared towards teens/college students on most days (though it would be a great place for families to go as well.) I have so many dreams for this coffee house...including raising funds for various causes, etc. I still sometimes wonder if I gave up on writing too easily... and I don't think I ever fully gave up on singing (even though I tried to convince myself I did).

And I think I've always wanted to adopt. Where I want to adopt from seems to change from day-to-day (lately I've been wanting to adopt those who have basically seem to have no hope of ever being adopted).

I think one of the hardest things is realizing what these dreams may cost me. Yes, obviously adoption and running a coffee house will cost me financially, but some of these dreams may cost me so much more. If I start singing again, I'll have to face my fear of people. I'll have to step way out of my comfort zone.

And I've been told of a potential opportunity I may have to serve somewhere. This is a wonderful opportunity, and part of me thinks I should take the steps to pursue it and take the position. After all, it would give me a chance to really pursue a dream of mine, but I'm not sure if I'm willing to pay the price. I would have to give up something that means a lot to me. I'd have to leave behind seeing certain people. I'd have to risk feeling torn apart again.

And to be honest, I'm afraid. I'm absolutely terrified of what the future holds. Do I take the safe route? Do I take some risks and pursue some dreams...even if they may cost me? Am I being called to give up something I love to serve somewhere else?

I know the answer to all of those questions. I need to trust that God will show me what He wants me to do... and if He's calling me to take the risks or surrender things to Him, then He will help me through it.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." -Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

St. Louis August 2009

Traveling and Expectations

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't really expecting to be impacted so much on this trip. In fact, right before we left, I was just glad to get away from family. That was my number one priority.

I would say the trip wasn't like I expected, but truth is... I had few expectations. I think my only expectation is that I would go there for a week, maybe add a few friends on Facebook, and then head home. That was about it.

I also expected showers. We left Saturday (August 1) right after ReChurch, and we arrived in St. Louis on Sunday afternoon. We slept in the church van at a rest stop. We took showers on Saturday morning, but we weren't able to shower again until Monday afternoon. Sure, the shower was lukewarm and the water pressure was terrible, but it was Heaven to me. (Sleeping on the floor after sleeping in the van was also wonderful!)

New Life

Our group was split in half for the missions sites. I was with Becky, Vania, Liz, and some people from Iowa. On Monday and Tuesday we went to the largest homeless shelter in St. Louis. Most of our time was spent organizing and cleaning their free store. There were piles of shoes, some donated without mates. There were t-shirts and hats that hadn't been washed and broken toys.

On Monday, a lady was there looking for an outfit to wear to a friend's funeral. On Tusday, another young woman was there "buying" pink toys and outfits for her little girl. A free clothing store wouldn't be the first...or even second or third place I would look to find a nice outfit, and it broke my heart when I saw the lady grab a pink one-eyed teddy bear for her daughter.

We spent Monday afternoon in the men's sleeping quarters cleaning. These men were sleeping in beds with rat poop and pee underneath the mattresses. It was disguisting, and when I cleaned I realized how desperate some of these people must be. I would rather sleep in the uncomfortable church van than one of those beds.

I hope that little girl loves her one-eyed teddy bear.

Tandy Center

I'll admit it. After spending a couple days sorting clothes in the hot muggy shelter, this hardly felt like work....well, aside from listening to Leroy's crazy stories.

Unfortunately, Wednesday morning started out in the gym where Leroy tried to make us "athleticable." Yeah...he kinda failed there. Anybody who knows me knows that gym and Idon't mix...and I certainly do not do those group dance things (like the "Cha Cha Slide"). Fortunately, I was able to play the foot card there and sit out near the end. :-).

After the gym on Wednesday and all morning on Thursday, we played on the playground with the kids. I think Thursday was a lot more fun. We spent the morning posing for pictures (and by "we" I mean "they). Then, a few of us stayed behind while most went off to play kickball.

While we were hanging out on the playground, two little boys walked up behind me. I turned my head and they shrieked. That was my cue. I stood up and started to chase them around the playground. One of the boys decided that he was going to chase me instead, and on one occasion he grabbed my arm and slobbered on it. I just wiped it on my shirt and kept going. The second time he grabbed me, he dug his nails into my elbow. Ouch!

Thursday afternoon was spent playing with my waterproof camera in the pool. Definitely a lot of fun...especially when I learned I was more successful in avoiding being in pictures than I thought. I even avoided being in a picture that I tried to get in.

I didn't really feel like I was accomplishing anything. I mean, taking pictures with kids and chasing them around? That's something I do regularly on Friday nights. It's nothing special or out of the ordinary...and it certainly didn't feel like work.

I got to thinking about the message I wrote for youth Sunday on the Message translation of that morning's theme verse. "Teach...with your life." The whole message was about how we set an example no matter what...it's making sure we set the right kind of example that matters most. It didn't matter that I didn't feel like I had accomplished anything...because the truth is, I probably did accomplish something. Those kids probably had the time of their lives taking pictures underwater.

Foot Washing

Thursday night at club we had our footwashing ceremony, and I think that impacted me more than anything. Our small group gathered in a circle...and we kept going long after the other (larger) groups were done. That's a Pentacostal youth group for you!

Somewhere, in the middle of everything, I started to cry.

I don't cry. It takes a lot for me to break down crying...so much that I actually start crying and then I just stop suddenly before crying again.

I went over to pray with Becky for Vania for a few minutes before I kinda went and sat on the floor. I wanted to cry some more...for my friend and for myself. But I couldn't. I was completely drained.

I guess it didn't occur to me that anybody could here me, but I just closed my eyes and started to sing a little song that I wrote in Wal-Mart last year. I just kept singing it over and over, and I kept going even when I realized that some of the kids from the Iowa group came over to join us.

I don't even remember singing like that even alone in years. For a few minutes or so, I completely broke down those walls.

I found out later that Vania wanted to stop praying when she heard me sing...she couldn't believe it was me singing. Honestly, neither could I. Just a few days before...heck that afternoon I was uncomfortable talking with the people in my crew...but that evening some of those same people got to hear me sing. Some of my closest friends haven't even heard me sing.

It's ironic that our theme for the week was "Free" because I've had the song "Free" by Ginny Owens stuck in my head all day. It fits me SO well right now.

Turning molehills into mountains,

Making big deals out of small ones,

Bearing gifts as if they're burdens

This is how it's been.

Fear of coming out of my shell,

Too many things I can't do too well,

Afraid I'll try real hard and I'll fail -

This is how it's been.

Till the day you pounded on my heart's door,

And you shouted joyfully,

"You're not a slave anymore"

You're free to dance-

Forget about your two left feet

And you're free to sing-

Even joyful noise is music to me

And you're free to love,

Cause I've given you My love,

and it's made you free

I have set you free