Speaking in Tongues

I have gone to three Assemblies of God churches in my life. I became a Christian at an Assemblies of God Vacation Bible School when I was five. I was baptized (for the second time) in an Assemblies of God church last year. When I moved to New Jersey in 2004, I imediately started to look for an Assemblies of God church. When I realized that I didn't belong at the church I was attending in 2006, I looked for an Assemblies of God church.

But, even though I have such an attatchment to Assemblies of God churches, I do not consider myself a "Pentacostal Christian." In fact, when people ask me what denomination I practice, I will tell them "I go to an Assemblies of God church, but I don't consider myself any specific denomination."

For the past couple of weeks at church the sermon has been about the Holy Sprit and Speaking in Tongues. I've heard different versions of the same message countless times, and I have grown to dread services at youth retreats because of it.

I was a member of Missionettes (a church girl's club, it's called "Mpact" now) from the time I was five up until I was twelve. From third grade through sixth or seventh I went on annual church retreats. It was always the same thing. Services that started late and ended late. An altar call every night. And a message on speaking in tongues.

I hated that message. I hated those altar calls. They made me feel like I was worthless. Those messsages always made me feel like I was supposed to cry when I prayed at the altar...and I never did. I usually just prayed at my seat. Then I wouldn't have to worry about not crying while I prayed.

They made me feel guilty. At the age of ten, I felt like I was less of a person because I had never spoken in tongues. I never cried when I prayed. And I believed that was what was supposed to happen. Each time I heard the message, I felt worse. I always wondered what was wrong with me. What had I done?

Every time I hear a message on speaking in tongues, it brings back those feelings of worthlessness I felt years ago. Anyone who knows what it's like to feel worthless knows how terrible it feels. Broken...useless...not enough.

Eventually, I just stopped listening to that sermon. I came to the conclusion that maybe that message wasn't for everybody...and it certainly wasn't for me.

I'm not so sure about that anymore.

I really don't know what I feel about speaking in tongues anymore. I mean, I know that it's real and everything, but I'm not sure if I really believe if it's really for everybody. Maybe that message is for me, and maybe it's not.

I just wish I could know for sure.