Happy Belated Birthday.

"The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held"

-Natalie Grant

I have a pretty large family, but I'm definitely closest to one side of my family, and they aren't technically my blood relatives. As far as I'm concerned though, they're family. And while we may not have the same religious beliefs (they're Mormon), I think they're definitely some of my favorite people to be around. 

Yesterday would have been my cousin's sixth Birthday. I never met her; she passed away only nine days after she was born. I'm not going to bother with the whole story. I'd just be copying from my Aunt Jennie's blog anyway, but she's Tommy's little sister. I almost put "was," but then I caught myself. She will always be Tommy's little sister, just like she will always be my "cousin."

Not even an hour ago I was on a Facebook Group making a list of songs I listen to when I'm feeling kind of let down, or when I'm going through a hard time. In the list, I added a song by Natalie Grant: Held.

I've known the song for what seems like forever, but it never had any personal meaning until May 2007.

 In April, my friend, Sarah, posted a bulletin on Myspace asking for prayers for a little girl named Cameron:

"A little girl at my church, Cameron, was recently having a procedure done at a hospital when her heart stopped. Had she not been in the hospital, she would not have survived-God was truly watching over her. Her heart has begun to supply enough circulation and oxygen to her body to run on its own, but she still is in need of a heart transplant.

As she waits for a donor to become available, she is depending on a ventilator for breathing. Today, an MRI revealed brain damage that was caused by the extended time that she was on the ventilator. This disqualifies her for a heart transplant. To do the proper tests that will diagnose the brain damage, and to prevent further damage, she will need to be weaned off the ventilator within the next couple days. 

Cameron is a sweet and energy-filled little girl that has undergone so much devastation during this past week. Please pray that she will continue to be kept safe in God's hand as the doctor's begin to remove the ventilator. Both her lungs and heart are fragile, so pray that she will become eligible for a heart transplant, and a heart will be available. Pray also for God's strength and peace in her family. She's such a special girl and i know He has a plan for her life."

For some reason, I felt like I needed to ask Sarah about Cameron. For the next couple of weeks, I sent a text message almost daily asking if there were any updates. Cameron was weaned off of the ventilator, and she was put at the top of the list for a heart transplant. Unfortunately, Cameron suffered from another cardiac arrest which took her home to be with Jesus on May 8, 2007.

A couple of days later, Sarah put Held on as her Myspace profile song. Since then, I can't listen to the song without tearing up a little and thinking of Cameron.

It's strange. I know. I have no idea what Cameron looked like. Sarah told me she was about three or four years old, but that's all I really know about her. Yet, if, right now, I could tell Cameron anything it would be this: "I love you."

Cameron helped me to learn about how much God cares about me. After I realized that it was possible for me to love and care for a complete stranger, I realized how much more people who know me must care. 

I changed my status message on Facebook earlier. I typed up an excerpt from Held and added the dates when my cousin was here on earth. Then, in parenthesis, I added a simple message: "Happy Belated Birthday. I love you."

I think my cousin is serving as another much needed reminder that I am loved so much more than I can ever imagine. I definitely struggle with doubts in that area of my life. More often than not I feel completely worthless, even though I know that is far from the truth. I need a constant reminder of my worth, and once again I am reminded through the short life of a little girl that I never had a chance to meet.

So, Happy Belated Birthday, Geneva. I love you. 

Love,

Lissa

PS. Geneva's story is found on my Aunt Jennie's blog: http://sumgreater.blogspot.com/2009/01/genevas-birthday.html

I am Living in my Own Little Bubble from Now On

I'm feeling old. This is somewhat of a problem because I am only seventeen and a grade ahead in school.

One of my cousins (Sarah Jane) turned seven yesterday. SEVEN! I am living in denial. 

I haven't seen her since December 2004. She was still two. She was mine. She even hugged her family "good-bye" when my mom, my sister, my dad, and I were leaving to head back home from their apartment. I had every intention of taking her home with me. 

Now, she is seven. No. I refuse to believe it.

My other cousin (Tommy) is seven too. I think the last time I saw him was in 2003. That might've been the year we went to Utah for Christmas. Yesterday, my aunt (his mom), told me that he has a blog. It's private because he's so young, but in my mind he is way too young to be able to use a blog. 

In my mind, one of my cousins (Karina, Sarah Jane's eldest sister) is still two. Now, she's twelve now, but I am living ten years in the past. She stayed at our appartment in Virginia for about a week after her first sister was born. I was only seven at the time, but I remember being in the parking lot in front of the classmates and her screaming "IT'S A-LISSA!!!!" I can somewhat picture her in my mind from when she was two. 

And it doesn't matter that the last time I saw her she was eight. There is still a part of me where she is two. 

My cousins are growing up way too quickly...especially the side of the family I'm closest with. When it comes to my biological cousins on my mom's side, I don't really mind them growing up. I haven't seen them in years, and we don't talk. I don' remember them at all; a few of them are my age though. I'm not close to my cousins on my dad's side of the family. They're both older than I am, so them getting older doesn't bother me. 

But at this rate, the youngest of my cousins (who aren't even a year old) will have graduated college before I even meet them. 

Until then (and even after) I will continue to live in my bubble where my cousins are trapped in a time-warp and have not aged. 

(And no, that is not one of my cousins in the picture, but he is cute, and I like the bubble!)

Take care!

Lissa Kristine