From My Journal: "I Need You to Love Me"

"I've always struggled with understanding God's unconditional love for me. I never felt worthy of that ever since I was a little kid. I think a lot of us believe we are unlovable and that we've got to clean ourselves up. We mess up over and over again. We've got so much sin. We feel terrible about ourselves. So I said, 'Ok, God. Love me-even though everything in me wants to push You away until I can prove to you that I am worthy of love..."
-Becca Barlow (BarlowGirl)

I guess that's [how] I feel-except I know I will never really be worthy. Why bother cleaning myself up? I can't do it.

I feel like dirt-really, I do. I feel so worthless. Why am I loved? I know I am, but why? I'm worthless. I don't deserve that at all. I never will.

I told Jaclyn [in a text message] that "even though people care about me, I don't think they should care at all." I told her that I feel completely worthless.

Her response: "If you were worthless, Jesus wouldn't have died for you...God doesn't make bad deals...He knew that it would cost Him His Son [for you] to be saved."

I told her that I know all that, but it doesn't change how I feel and I don't know if or when that will change.

"Yeah, I know. Feeling are prob the mot difficult things to deal wit[h] in life-which is prob why God doesn't want us to live by them...but it['s] def easier said."

...What do I do? I know that I'm not worthless-God does NOT make worthless things. But how do I deal with being worthless-with feeling worthless. Deep down, in the core of me, I am a mess. I feel lower than the dirt WALK on. I am thinking back to when Sarah messaged me on Myspace saying:

"Every single person is broken...most everybody is just pretending and waiting for someone to tell them that they don't have to anymore."

"God accepts you as you are, always. You don't have to pretend to be anything in front of Him."

...I find myself longing to crawl into a crack in the ground and be completely isolated.

I believe that people care about me, but under that, I cannot for the LIFE or me understand why. I'm such a mess. Is my cover up really that good? I don't think it is...but how can anyone really love me? The real, broken, lower than dirt me? How can anyone possibly love that me? I don't understand. I'm worthless. I'm lower than dirt inside. I'm completely nothing inside-only brokenness in the core of who I am."

[July 8, 2007]

It's weird to think that some things still have not changed in almost two years. I still feel worthless sometimes.

I don't remember this at all, but when I was younger (probably early elementary school aged), my mom was babysitting (like usual). My sister and I were outside with my friends, Matt and Gina in their backyard. We were probably playing in the sandbox. My mom was inside watching us play when she heard a voice telling her to get us inside.

The weather was nice. We were playing outside and everything was good, so my mom decided not to listen. When the voice spoke again, however, she decided to have us come inside. Needless to say, we were not happy about it at all. We hadn't been outside for very long, and we didn't see any reason to come inside. (What we didn't know is that my mom didn't see any reason for us to come inside either.)

I've heard two versions of this story from my mom. One was that the voice told her to take us to the grocery store to buy popsicles (even though they already had popsicles at the house). The other is that she was just told to get us out of the house. Whatever happened, she loaded us up into the car to go to the grocery store for popsicles. I don't know if it happened immediately or while we were out (the story changes each time I hear it), but somewhere within that time span the wind picked up, and a large tree was knocked over.

Right where we were playing.

It's so amazing to realize that God thought I was worth saving when I was probably only five years old. And, I'm almost more amazed when I realize that He doesn't think I'm any less worthy now.

In my last blog entry, inspired by a Josh Wilson song, I wrote about not having to prove yourself to God. I guess this kind of ties into that as well. I need to remember that I don't have to do anything to make myself worthy of His love. He loves me, no matter how I feel. I'm worthy of His love because He says that I am.

No, I don't feel like I deserve it. Far from it, in fact. I don't feel worthy.

But, God, I need You to keep loving me, no matter how I feel.

"Why, why are You still here with me
Didn’t You see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it’s here I see the truth
I don’t deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won’t keep my heart from You this time
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
‘Cause You’re a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been"