Hold On II: Prayer (Written October 22, 2007)

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

My journal has recently been filling up with prayers. I put on some music (most often BarlowGirl and Hillsong United), and then I get into bed and I write. I don't worry about punctuation and grammar. I just write whatever is on my heart and mind. When I get angry, I write the letters big and bold. Sometimes, when I'm really upset, I take pages to write one or two words. If I can't think of my own words, sometimes I'll intermingle song lyrics, or little doodles into my prayers. Most importantly, I don't think about what I am writing. If it is what has come to mind or something God has put on my heart...I write it down. I leave out no details...I try to be completely honest, even if it seems as if I am flip-flopping in my prayers.

And when I have nothing more to say...I put the journal down (but I leave it open just in case). I close my eyes and I just continue to silently cry out to God. I just spend time with Him in more prayer...eventually during this I usually fall asleep, but I am more at peace than I was before. I have even had dreams where I was sleeping on the lap of Jesus, or where God was massaging my back (but the latter was when I was 11 or so...and I honestly did feel hands on my back, even though nobody was there).

My situations have not changed, and they may be getting worse, but I have a smile on my face and I am ready to face whatever comes my way because I am learning to put my full trust in God. I have not been able to handle things on my own, and I will no doubt fail at those attempts in the future.

Hold On I: Faith (Written October 22, 2007)

This post is a little different in that I am posting one blog entry into two separate posts, rather than in one large one. Both posts, however, are dedicated to a friend of mine who inspired these posts. I have chosen not to reveal her name without her permission.

Often, I write in my journal things I had no intention on writing...things that contradict my personal feelings:

"Hold onto the hope of Christ. His love conquers all this trouble you are going through. It overcomes all fear; it heals your heartache. He has promised to deliver you. He will take away this pain. Just hold onto that hope for a little while longer. He never promised he would do it on your terms, but He promised he would heal you on His.

Find comfort in knowing that you are loved with a love you can not comprehend. Even when you cannot feel it, God is holding onto you. When you cannot hear Him in your suffering, it does not mean he has left. He feels your pain, and it breaks His heart to see your suffering. He speaks to you in that still small voice to comfort you. He whispers gently to your broken heart. Your pain has made Him hurt as well...It is like He is choked with tears for our pain, and he can hardly speak; His voice is only whispered and can barely be heard when the storm is raging.

Just because He is too quiet to hear
Does not mean God is not near."

I have not been in the best of moods lately, but details are not needed. However, over the past few days things have been turning around for me. I cannot say that the situations are better, but at least I'm feeling better.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Just recently, I learned that a friend from school last year has been stressed and feeling depressed. In a message, I told her that I know how she feels, and what helps me is to journal and pour my heart out to God while listening to Christian music. She replied that she tries to turn to God, but when things get rough it feels as if God has turned His back.

I definitely know how that feels. I've been a Christian for over 11 years, and when things get rough for me even I start to loose my faith. I've also learned, through recent and personal experience, that when things are rough and you feel like you are slipping...that is when you need to turn to God the most. Sometimes, I know for me at least, it feels like I am just writing my prayers out to the paper...but I still do it. I just remember that regardless of my feelings, God IS still there...whether I can feel it or not. It's one of those times where you cannot let your feelings control you...as hard as that may seem.

Feelings are not always accurate. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." When things get rough, it can be DANGEROUS to rely on feelings. Instead, with every ounce, you must have faith. Pray, even if you feel you are praying to nobody-because God IS there and He IS listening. God's love is eternal and unconditional. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He does not change with the seasons; His love is not determined by your feelings. You have done nothing to earn His love, nor can you do anything to take it away.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose...What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?...Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have gone through many times where I don't bother praying simply because I don't feel God, but I've learned and I am still learning that feelings are not trustworthy. Sometimes it takes faith to cling onto God, and to trust Him. According to the notes in my Bible "Sometimes faith leads to victory and triumph. Sometimes it requires a gritty determination to hang on at any cost...Both rest on the belief that God is in ultimate control and will keep his promises-whether in this life or the next...The faith described in Hebrews is not sugarcoated and does not guarantee a life of luxury and ease. It is a tough faith; a constant commitment to hang on and believe God against all odds, no matter what."

A Christmas Message from the King and Queen

This Christmas, the King and Queen would like to share a special message with all the non-existent readers of this blog.

• Always remember to pray daily
• Eat lots of candy canes
• Cook your ham well
• Hang up your stockings in hopes of better presents outside of them
• Go to church (one of 2 days a year)
• Remember that just because it's a holiday doesn't mean the cookies don't have calories.
• Put antlers on the family pet/car (Bonus points for a red nose!)
• Find a good excuse when the kids ask how Santa will get in your chimney-less dwelling
• Just because it's a special occasion doesn't mean the kids won't slobber, drool, vomit on, poop in, or otherwise stain/damage the fancy, overpriced Christmas outfits you buy them
• Yes, you have the day off of work. No, you will not be sleeping in (If you have kids you might be up earlier than usual!)
• No tree is better than a metallic tinsel tree
• No decorations are better than tacky decorations... that includes giant inflatable penguins
• If you don't have enough lights to decorate the entire tree in your front yard, buy more or just don't bother!
• This is the one time of the year when stupid hats and tacky sweaters can actually be socially accepted.
• We all know about the rules of these white elephant gift exchanges, but none of us have a CLUE as to where the name came from...
• Buy expensive presents...especially if you can expect more expensive ones in return
• Remember that most of the Christmas TV specials aren't very good, and they get worse after the first couple times they show them during the weekend after Thanksgiving
• Sing about demanding figgy pudding...even though you'll probably hate the stuff if you got it.
• Don't regift your fruitcakes. It'll be your means of survival in the event of a nuclear war.
• Give to charities for the tax deductions
• Candy canes come in many colors and flavors. REAL candy canes are white with thick and thin red stripes and are PEPPERMINT flavored
• Don't venture out after 6 PM on December 24 if you want to go somewhere other than your local convenience store or Chinese restaurant.
• Black Friday is the day of mass shopping. December 26 is the day everyone returns to the malls to return the bad presents that were purchased on Black Friday

Most of all, remember that Christmas isn't about presents... it isn't about food or shopping. And it certainly isn't about TV shows and decorations...

Here's a poem I wrote in December 2008...

Dear Mr. Santa,

it's Christmas Eve tonight

and there is a letter

I felt I needed to write.

I know you are real busy

taking presents to a hundred girls and boys

but I want to tell you, Mr. Santa

that I don't want you to give me any toys.

Dear Mr. Santa,

did you know there's another little girl

tired, cold, and hungry

on the other side of the world?

I only saw her picture

I think she's the same age as me

and tomorrow she will spend Christmas

without a Christmas tree

I saw you at the mall last week, Mr. Santa!

That candy cane you gave me was so sweet!

But this little girl, Mr. Santa,

doesn't have anything to eat

Dear Mr. Santa,

I know there are presents for me in your sleigh

but can you give that little girl my toys

to open Christmas Day?

She doesn't have any toys at all,

but Mr. Santa, I already do

And I want this girl to have Christmas

just like I always do

If you give her my toys, Mr. Santa

then maybe she will believe in you

and then one day, just maybe,

she can believe in Jesus too.

Merry Christmas!

Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum

For those of you who have been living under a rock, or in a bubble, or in a pineapple under the sea, it's December. December means a lot of things... colder weather, finals, lots of shopping, and Christmas music. (Now, don't ask me why in our days of "political correctness" you can never hear a single rendition of "Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel" on the radio...)

Earlier today, I was listening to the radio when a classic Christmas song started playing. Ok, so it was the MercyMe version of "The Little Drummer Boy." (Not exactly the classic song...)

Would you believe that song touched me today? I've heard that song countless times before, but today it touched me.

I have no gift to bring

pa rum pum pum pum

that's fit to give a King

I couldn't sleep last night. Just as I was starting to drift off to sleep, I woke up to a single thought:

What if doing something great is the easiest of my dreams to reach?

It doesn't seem right. How can my doing something great with my talent be the most reachable of my dreams? It's the dream that is etched so deeply into my heart that I can't shake it... it's a dream that's at the very core of who I am. It's so much more than writing a song that makes it on the radio, or being published in a magazine. It's more than writing a book...more than having people read this blog. Even I don't know how to describe this.

Yet, it might be the most reachable of my dreams?

Shall I play for You

Pa rum pum pum pum

on my drum?

I want to do something great with my writing. So great that it's beyond the scope of my imagination. I want these words to reach beyond where I ever thought they could.

It never occurred to me that I might reach that dream and never know it. I might do something incredible with my talent and not even see it. Pouring out my heart into something and never seeing anything come out of it? Talk about discouraging!

"Love the Lord your God with ALL your heart, and with ALL your mind, and with ALL your strength..."

Isn't that what it's about? Isn't that the main reason God gave me this talent?

I played my drum for Him

Pa rum pum pum pum

I played my best for Him

The greatest thing I can ever do with my writing is just write for God. Those nights I pour my heart out in my journal...those poems that are a cry out to Him. They mean far more than any blog entries... anything I will ever get published. It's not about the writing at all. It's about the One who gave me this talent and passion.

If I look to Him, I can't fail.

Sure, I may never reach my dreams. Does it matter though? After all, doesn't God already have plans for my life? He can do so much with me if I just give this talent to Him. If my sole purpose in writing is to worship God He will use me.

So, I guess that's what I need to work on doing. Pouring my heart out on paper. Not so I can try and reach any of my dreams for my writing; not so I can try and do something great.

Just to worship.

Only to worship.

Then, He smiled at me...

Surrender: Beyond the Scope of my Imagination

I want a tangible dream. I'm sure I made that clear a couple of blog posts ago.

I want a dream I can actually see in my imagination.

Let's face it though. I've had some minor dreams come to mind. Little things like getting an article published in a magazine, or even having my own column in a magazine. Something insignificant like writing song lyrics that are actually heard.

Even if those are reachable dreams (and sometimes I feel like that's a HUGE "if") they just seem so...insignificant.

I want to do so much more with my writing, and I think that's my problem. It's not that I don't have any tangible dreams. It's that my passion for my writing can take me far beyond the scope of my imagination. No matter what, I will never be able to get where I want to be with my writing because I can't see that far.

I know. I have an issue with surrender. I hold onto hurt, and even if I let go for a moment, I always find myself snatching it back up again. I don't allow God to have the control over my life that I know I need to give Him.

I've seen just a glimpse of what life would be like if I get a taste of God and His presence. It's something like no other... a feeling that I don't think can be imagined by someone who hasn't experienced it.

And I know there is more for me.

Just like I know there is more for my writing.

I wonder what God can do with me if I surrender this to Him. He can take me to a place NOBODY can even comprehend.

He can see beyond the scope of my imagination.

You say you have a plan for me

And that you want the best for my life

Told me the world had yet to see

What you can do with one

That's committed to Your calling

I know of course what I should do

That I can't hold these dreams forever

If I give them now to You

Will You take them away forever?

Or can I dream again?

Blog Contest- Please participate! It'll be fun!

Today, I gave myself a challenge to write a poem about an abstract concept without saying anything that openly relates to the concept... and using a theme that doesn't seem related.

So, I have a challenge for you. I want to see if anybody can figure out the answers to any of these questions:

1. What is the poem really about?

2. What is the hidden "theme" in it.

3. What other things can you pick out from the poem that relate to the meaning of the poem?

Basically, I wanna see if anybody knows what the poem is about and what they are using to guess the meaning. Please just guess... even if you have no clue what you are writing about.

Send me an email at signoflovexo@gmail.com (or if you have my email address with "Listerine" in it, use that one; I don't want to post it publicly.) with the subject: "Blog Contest" on it. You can also leave me a message on Facebook if you prefer.

If you don't wanna guess, please leave feedback anyway. I'll post some of the most interesting answers and my favorite feedback on the poem here later!

Have a great day everybody!

Not the sky in the noontime sun

nor the bloom of the forget-me-not

But the granite rock of the mountain top

impossible to climb.

Coal streaks across the face

its smoke billows in the atmosphere

The clouds that carry the hurricane's rain

The soot and ash that remains

when the flame no longer burns.

The midnight not flecked with stars

Ghastly flesh in its stillness

hidden from light beneath the soil

The crystal trickles:

the panes of the windows to the soul.

And the metallic sterling

brings with it the rainbow

and its crimson band.

Tangibility

Finding myself again

alone with no purpose.

There's no reason to hope.

My dreams are just worthless.

What can I do?

How can I reach with these words that I write?

Can my simple prayers and poetry

extend to the heavens; take flight?

Is there a reason? Is there meaning?

In the end of it all

do I pour out my heart for nothing

but to watch tears and dreams fall?

-November 30, 2009

Its about 12:30ish. I'm sitting in an empty classroom. Sociology doesn't begin for another half-hour, but I like getting here early. Not because I like the class... heck no! I just like snatching the seat in the back corner...on the side of the classroom with the door. So, I thought that I would try to keep myself awake (research paper all-nighter) by updating this blog...

I love to write. I'm sure I got that point across a few blog posts ago. I'm also sure I've made it clear that I have a problem with taking risks. I like to stay in my comfort zone. At the same time, I've started to dream again.

I'm not sure what I'm dreaming for though. When I dream, I like to have a picture of what could be. When I have a hope of a job, I can envision myself at work. Even in middle school when I had such a passion for singing, I could see that dream unfold.

When I think about my future career wise, I have a picture in my mind. I have another picture when it comes to my dreams for my future family and my dream of opening a coffee house. I even have a picture of what could be if I open up more with singing.

Writing is different, however. When I think about my future with writing, I'm doing the same thing as I do now... writing blog entries nobody reads and pouring my heart out in my journal.

I want to do so much more, but what can I do with some silly little poems? What difference does my writing really make? I want people to read... to hear what I have to say. These are my prayers, and I am ready to let them go out into the open.

But why bother if it won't make a difference?

I am seeing what God can do with someone who dares to dream. It's slowly unfolding before my eyes, and I just find it amazing... but at the same time, it has me thinking. Her dreams are tangible. She can see the potential in her talent.... she has a goal to reach for.

I don't have that. I have a passion, but no tangible dream to grasp onto. I'm reaching out, but who knows what I'm reaching for?

And it's hard to reach for a an intangible dream.

When it's all over, will I have even made a difference?

Is there any hope in a tangible dream for my writing?