Hold On II: Prayer (Written October 22, 2007)

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

My journal has recently been filling up with prayers. I put on some music (most often BarlowGirl and Hillsong United), and then I get into bed and I write. I don't worry about punctuation and grammar. I just write whatever is on my heart and mind. When I get angry, I write the letters big and bold. Sometimes, when I'm really upset, I take pages to write one or two words. If I can't think of my own words, sometimes I'll intermingle song lyrics, or little doodles into my prayers. Most importantly, I don't think about what I am writing. If it is what has come to mind or something God has put on my heart...I write it down. I leave out no details...I try to be completely honest, even if it seems as if I am flip-flopping in my prayers.

And when I have nothing more to say...I put the journal down (but I leave it open just in case). I close my eyes and I just continue to silently cry out to God. I just spend time with Him in more prayer...eventually during this I usually fall asleep, but I am more at peace than I was before. I have even had dreams where I was sleeping on the lap of Jesus, or where God was massaging my back (but the latter was when I was 11 or so...and I honestly did feel hands on my back, even though nobody was there).

My situations have not changed, and they may be getting worse, but I have a smile on my face and I am ready to face whatever comes my way because I am learning to put my full trust in God. I have not been able to handle things on my own, and I will no doubt fail at those attempts in the future.

Hold On I: Faith (Written October 22, 2007)

This post is a little different in that I am posting one blog entry into two separate posts, rather than in one large one. Both posts, however, are dedicated to a friend of mine who inspired these posts. I have chosen not to reveal her name without her permission.

Often, I write in my journal things I had no intention on writing...things that contradict my personal feelings:

"Hold onto the hope of Christ. His love conquers all this trouble you are going through. It overcomes all fear; it heals your heartache. He has promised to deliver you. He will take away this pain. Just hold onto that hope for a little while longer. He never promised he would do it on your terms, but He promised he would heal you on His.

Find comfort in knowing that you are loved with a love you can not comprehend. Even when you cannot feel it, God is holding onto you. When you cannot hear Him in your suffering, it does not mean he has left. He feels your pain, and it breaks His heart to see your suffering. He speaks to you in that still small voice to comfort you. He whispers gently to your broken heart. Your pain has made Him hurt as well...It is like He is choked with tears for our pain, and he can hardly speak; His voice is only whispered and can barely be heard when the storm is raging.

Just because He is too quiet to hear
Does not mean God is not near."

I have not been in the best of moods lately, but details are not needed. However, over the past few days things have been turning around for me. I cannot say that the situations are better, but at least I'm feeling better.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Just recently, I learned that a friend from school last year has been stressed and feeling depressed. In a message, I told her that I know how she feels, and what helps me is to journal and pour my heart out to God while listening to Christian music. She replied that she tries to turn to God, but when things get rough it feels as if God has turned His back.

I definitely know how that feels. I've been a Christian for over 11 years, and when things get rough for me even I start to loose my faith. I've also learned, through recent and personal experience, that when things are rough and you feel like you are slipping...that is when you need to turn to God the most. Sometimes, I know for me at least, it feels like I am just writing my prayers out to the paper...but I still do it. I just remember that regardless of my feelings, God IS still there...whether I can feel it or not. It's one of those times where you cannot let your feelings control you...as hard as that may seem.

Feelings are not always accurate. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." When things get rough, it can be DANGEROUS to rely on feelings. Instead, with every ounce, you must have faith. Pray, even if you feel you are praying to nobody-because God IS there and He IS listening. God's love is eternal and unconditional. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He does not change with the seasons; His love is not determined by your feelings. You have done nothing to earn His love, nor can you do anything to take it away.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose...What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?...Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have gone through many times where I don't bother praying simply because I don't feel God, but I've learned and I am still learning that feelings are not trustworthy. Sometimes it takes faith to cling onto God, and to trust Him. According to the notes in my Bible "Sometimes faith leads to victory and triumph. Sometimes it requires a gritty determination to hang on at any cost...Both rest on the belief that God is in ultimate control and will keep his promises-whether in this life or the next...The faith described in Hebrews is not sugarcoated and does not guarantee a life of luxury and ease. It is a tough faith; a constant commitment to hang on and believe God against all odds, no matter what."