Junior Year Totem Assembly

Every year at my High School, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, the literary magazine and creative writing class held an assembly where students in litmag and creative writing (plus a few extras who volunteered) read poems...mainly from the lit mag.

So, my English assignment after the assembly was to write a short paragraph about the poem I liked best from the assembly. I never actually finished the assignment, but I thought I'd share the beginnings of the essay (not paragraph) I was writing.

Of all the superb literary selections read at the Totem Assembly 2007, only a few stood out as literary excellency. These were the works of the talented poet, Lissa J. Although she only had three poems read on that Wednesday, each poem touched the heart through rhyme, metaphor, and the presentation in itself. Her poem, "My Snowflake, My Flame" was published in the Totem Magazine of 2006 during Lissa's freshman year of high school, while the other two: "Gullible" and "When Heaven Opened Up that Door," were read by Lissa herself from her own personal poetry collection. Each poem was unique in style, yet held the same heart-written quality. Lissa's poems projected struggles of everyday life, such as overcoming fear to reach goals and dreams, as well as internal battles of worth and religion. Lissa's final selection brought hope to times of trial. The same could not be said for any other poem in the assembly.

Written in 2005, "My Snowflake, My Flame" is the oldest of Lissa's selections read in the assembly. Parsippany High School Junior, and close personal friend to Lissa, Alex P., read the freshman's work with passion. Lissa, through free-verse, metaphorically compares the relationship between fear and dreams to the relationship between fire and snow. In the poem, a snowflake is easily compared to hopes and dreams inside a person's heart. Each dream is different, as no snowflake is exactly identical. However, at times, just like snowflakes, dreams and hopes can be fragile. Fire is death to a snowflake; it only takes a small amount of heat to melt it. Similarly, fear is a major issue in reaching goals and dreams. Although she did not hear the saying until a couple years after the poem was written, Lissa feels that the quote heard on the weekend of January 4-6, 2008 perfectly applies to the poem. "Faith will move a mountain, but fear will freeze a mountain mover."

No, I don't actually think my poems were that great...but it was a pretty entertaining assignment.

--

My Snowflake, My Flame (2005)

A silver snowflake
Burned by the flame
Now only a memory
The crystal pattern
Melted away
A love
Still strong
But distant
A life I had
But never knew
A power within
I feel
But cannot unleash
The snowflake
That is inside
With the crystal pattern
Of me
Of my history
The snowflake that peeks out
But hides away
It holds the power
If I can only let it out
But it is the flame
The fear
The doubt
That makes the snowflake hide
Makes me hide it
My snowflake
My power
My past
But also my flame

--

Gullible (2007)

How gullible am I

that I believe each lie

that people really care

and that when I need them they are there

I'm stupider than stupid

I'm an idiotic little kid

Those lies that they said, I believe are true

in fact, God, silly me, I actually believed in You

--

When Heaven Opened Up That Door (August 14, 2007)

For a stranger I shed my last tear
dry my eyes and let my vision become clear
I look ahead to the morning sky
find peace in uncertainty and I don't know why
But I know you were were given everything that you could ask for
when Heaven opened up that door

Searching for escape from the pain called life
wondering if freedom is in the pills and knife
A crying heart at each moment past
Hoping and praying each breath will be the last
Looking to see if there is something more
a discovery made when Heaven opened up that door

Doomed to eternal separation between man and Divine
A lonely eternity destined to be yours and mine
God became Man; nailed to a tree
The perfect sacrifice needed to set the world free
Love demonstrated like never before
when Heaven opened up that door

The Ellie Letters: Ever notice that Drama and Devil both have 5 letters and start with the letter "D"?

Once again, you have stuck me in the middle of drama.

Wasn't that one of the reasons I left high school in the first place?

Although, I have to be honest. High school drama is annoying, but it's not completely terrible. At least when people are annoying you with their drama you can tell them off. So what if there's a risk of getting beaten up? It's an excuse to give them the knock in the head they deserve (all in the name of "self-defense" of course.)

And I don't think my parents would have minded too much if I gave some people from school the knock in the head they deserved...

You know what the problem with drama is?

The problem is that people don't seem to outgrow it. I'm not just talking about 18, 19, 20 year olds (although, that is an issue in itself).

I'm talking about the people who seem to hold onto grudges after about fifteen years. People like you.

I've been in the middle of this kind of drama before. I don't know why they had such a problem with her (although I can see some reason as to why they have a problem with me).

I do know why you have a problem with him though, and I don't need to be in the middle of this. He made a choice.

You think that choice ruined the family. That we're not the "perfect" family you expect us to be. I don't believe what you want me to believe...and it's his fault. They don't share those beliefs with you. He is the one to blame.

It was my choice.

I don't care that I was only five. I was given a choice, and I made it. Nobody made the decision for me. I knew what was right and I stuck with it. I was given a choice again when I was twelve. The choice I made when I was five was the choice I made again as a preteen.

I'm never going to believe what you believe.

I don't care that your friend constantly reminded me that her family didn't share those beliefs at one point. Do you think that's going to make me change? I don't think so! I'm eighteen. If I was old enough to make my own choices about this thirteen years ago, I sure as heck can make up my mind now!

He didn't ruin anything by that choice.

My life isn't over because of my decsion.

And honestly, if you think he's the problem, then keep me out of this.

I don't need this drama anymore.

Say 'no' to drama

Say 'no' to drama

Say 'no' to drama..

Credit to the title and song at the end both go to Pmat of course.

Some Important Life Lessons I Have Learned

Ok, so maybe these aren't so important, but I'm kinda bored...so I thought I'd blog about some lessons I've learned/relearned recently.

Walking Shoes

Those who know me, know that I have terrible, no good, very bad feet. I will go into NYC for the day, and for about a week afterwards I will be limping around because my feet (especially the left one) are sore.

So, the day before I left for Utah, I bought a pair of $60 walking shoes. I got into Utah on a Wednesday, and on Thursday I went walking. My pedometer said I logged in about 12 miles of total walking during the day. On Friday, I went hiking. On Saturday, I did a little more walking...followed by a six-mile round-trip walk to and from church on Sunday. Yes, my foot was a tad sore, but not nearly as bad as it would have been without the walking shoes (and, honestly, I think twisting my ankle hiking did more damage than the walking itself).

Lesson 1: Walking shoes are worth the money

Jeans on a Diet

I'm on Weight Watchers. It's going fairly well, but I did take a week off for my Birthday. The Saturday before I turned 18, I went shopping for my annual Birthday outfit. I tried on a pair of jeans at Wal-Mart, and I was so excited that the were a size 4 that I didn't pay attention to the other detail of the sizing...they were a size 4 petite.

So, I returned them the day after my Birthday (which was an adventure in itself). They didn't have any size 4 regulars in that brand, so I tried another brand that was priced the same. The size 6 in that brand fit perfectly.

So, I start following Weight Watchers again starting on July 1. Less than a week later, the jeans are falling off of me. They're HUGE.

Lesson 2: Don't shop if you aren't following your diet plan.

2 o'clock, 3 o'clock, 4

I don't sleep well at night sometimes. Especially these past few nights. I'm not exactly sure what's going on. Some of it's just thinking too much...a few "nightmares..."

So, the other night, just before 2 AM here in Utah (4 AM in Jersey), I send a friend a text message saying I can't sleep (and something else). I set the phone down (figuring she's already asleep...it was about 3 AM where she was) and go off to read. A few minutes later, she calls...and we talk on the phone for about half-an-hour (once I accidently hang up on her...stupid awesome touch screen) She prays for me (and I end up hanging up on her again because I can't stop crying.)

And that's not the first time something like that has happened either.

Lesson 3: There are people who care and who are there for me...sometimes at the weirdest hours.

Struggling

Ok, so this isn't really some thing I've learned from experience, but Pmat (my youth pastor for those strangers who are stalking me) posted this on his blog on June 26th, and it caught my eye when I reread it just now. Let's just say I really needed to read it.

http://mattmonyhan.com/2009/06/26/to-those-who-struggle/

Lesson 4: The problem is not struggling...the problem is giving in.

Moutain Perspectives

I'm in Utah visiting my foster family (my mom's foster parents). I decided to walk to church today (I have to earn my activity points somehow. I figured a six-mile roundrip walk would do the trick).

The best thing about Utah (well, other than being close enough to walk to Super Walmart, Target Supercenter, Krispy Kreme, Barnes and Noble, Borders, Starbucks, Chik-Fil-A, and Taco Time) are the mountains. Of course, I am not writing this from on top of one of those mountains. If I were, this blog would just be about how "I AM GOING TO DIE!" (And, yes, I am being serious about that one. High Altitude=Thinner Air+Breathing Issues=Dehydration+Bad Feet+Slipping and Falling=LISSA ALMOST DIED HIKING!)

So, I was walking back from church today when I kept starring at the mountains in front of me. And we all know how it works...the closer we get the bigger it seems.

Like the fireworks (by the way, fireworks are LEGAL here...in your face, New Jersey!) We saw some fireworks from a distance last night. It was like watching the fireworks on TV (and not a large TV either) with the volume turned all the way down. There's nothing spectacular about that.

However, I used to watch the Fairfax, VA fireworks display when I was younger. Nothing compares to sitting in the grass right under the fireworks. The ground shakes with every boom, and, sometimes, it even feels like the fireworks are going to fall on top of you (and if you are in Parsippany, NJ they actually MIGHT do that!)

It's so easy to think that something is so insignificant when it is far away. A mountain in the far distance may only look like a hill. You don't stand in awe of fireworks that are only a speck in the distance.

And when you're in the middle of all the noise and lights...like in the city....you fail to notice the true beauty of the night sky. The stars don't seem to shine as brightly...if at all. The stars we see are not small at all, but from such a great distance they're just dots in the vast sky.

I had a rough time with some things when I was a freshman in high school. During the first part of the year, I completely turned my back on God. The further I got, the easier it was for me to convince myself that I could handle things on my own. In the distance, God seemed so much smaller.

And the stars... I think Pmat illustrated that concept a while back. He had a candle lit, but among the desk lamps, the small, flickering flame was hardly noticable. Among the busyness of the city, the stars can hardly be seen.

When we push God away, and then get involved in the busyness of life it's so easy to almost forget about Him. He's so distant...only a speck in our eyes-so easily hidden by our agendas.

But if we turn off our lights and start to draw closer to God we can start to see how spectacular He really is. We start to realize that who He is is far greater than our insignificant human minds can ever comprehend. We realize that our perspective has been wrong, and that in the vastness of the world, we are the true specks. We are almost nothing in the midst of it all.